I figured that my mind has been throwing its own tantrums today. First, I could not think coherently (thus writing becoming very incomprehensible for me to do), with a lingering feeling of uneasiness coming in second. So what do I feel? I feel nauseous for myself, as though my mind could not breathe; add to the idea of a sort of invisible hyperventilation going on in my neurons, seemingly rejecting whatever I desire in myself to undertake for this day. Truth be told, I am supposed to be finishing up certain tasks related to my teaching job: papers here, checking of works there, recording of student requirements on the other side… but all those have become unbearable. I just could not do it.
Tracking down the nascency of all these is equally labyrinthine, or more appropriately, enigmatic in some sense (although I try so hard to unravel the inchoate truth of the matter). Of course I do acknowledge that bipolar disorder has something to do with many of my incongruencies but I do not wish to remain dissonant to reality just because I have the disorder. I need to work, I need to make myself productive. True that my condition is preventive or hampering of my aspirations so the whole idea of it beats around the bush: I am bipolar so I am unproductive. I can’t control myself so I have to constantly wait “for the right time” before my brain beats myself up to arise once more then translate myself onto reality when “it feels like”. Yes, I admit, this sounds sordid and inescapable; but this should not be the case!
It has dawned on me that there might have been a trigger for my current downturn, and that I have yet to find out. My mind tries to point toward a stressful family environment for one (which I would not even give a cinch of a doubt for that), and certain belief systems constraining my own desires for freedom to think beyond what certain people merely proffer me as “true”. Those two factors are, indeed, inextricably conjoined; and for me, impossible to resolve as pertaining to how much emotional strain has been levied on me. I do not wish to say that family nor belief systems should entirely be thrown out the window however my aspirations for “change” do I mostly side with the idea of correcting what has gone wrong all the way. Perplexing, isn’t it?
This being said, I just think that my troubles shall not let up unless I do come to terms with how to change everything that befuddles me in some sort. The change, though, can never be overnight as I might have to sacrifice even those I have always been used to. I need to make drastic changes to myself such that I may live life to the fullest, and not so much embroiled in the poverty of depression. I would also love to have a blessed death and not an accursed one.
Finally, I think I have to make the necessary move to be calm for today. Things will be alright.